The other day somebody asked me “Who is your guru?”

My first reply was: “Me.”

I still think it is accurate.

I thought about the authors I’ve read.
The thousands of hours I had spent on youtube watching videos on ‘spirituality’.

I had learnt a ton and surely my brain is infiltrated with ideas and even feelings that are not mine.

But did I truly ‘learn’ about spirituality from all those mentors?

No.

Life taught me.

I’ve started my path by realizing that I am not able to wash dishes without freaking out. (I mentioned it in my post about the role of mindfulness.) I have started my path by acknowledging my lack of presence, which cut me off life for a very very long time.

Especially in the recent months I have been struggling with this disconnect again A LOT. Anxiety attacks and panic rolled over me like tsunami waves. And I am tired of holding it back. I am tired of pretending to be strong.

Well, that’s a different story (probably a bit of a contradictory one, but I guess that’s why I am here. To reveal the contradictions of ‘being a human’).

Anyway…

What I am witnessing in any community that is drawn to spirituality or to ‘living compassionate’, ‘oneness’, ‘spiritual sovereignty’, ‘you name it’ is that there are many people following an ideology.

By following one ideology they are often times actively discounting everybody else’s ideas or ideologies.

In any case it is somewhat ignorant to only believe in one fixed ‘set of ideas’, because it forecloses learning experiences and ‘aha-moments’. We can learn from anybody, so why not listen to different ideas?

When the ‘corona crisis’ hit I was stuck in India.

I don’t remember fully what I was more angry about: The fact that I knew that I can’t stay there. Or the fact that I have to go back and witness the narrow-mindedness of our society?

I was really really angry. More than ever I am convinced that this was a ‘sacred’ rage. What do I mean by that? I was enraged, because I believe in truth and nothing else. And to me the truth is obvious, but it is impossible to put it in words – a thing I will be pursuing for the rest of my life: to put life in words.

Using the word ‘sacred’ reminds me of where I’m attempting to go with this post:

Spirituality is not about ‘being spiritual’. It is not being spiritual in the sense of following a fixed set of rules or belief systems. And it is not about following one idea or method or practice…

Yes, I have a ton of crystals in my room. And yes, I light a lot of candles over time. And I pray to the universe. But does this make me spiritual?

Hell, no!

What does it mean to be spiritual?

I’m considering myself as ‘spiritual’. I’m spending my time with: developing some sort of discipline to keep my space and my mind clean. Getting my body moving. Eating proper food and drinking enough water. Developing compassion for other human beings by listening to their struggles and to my own struggles with an open heart and without judgement. Hugging trees and connecting with nature…

…and: doing the dishes. 😉

I am encountering ‘spiritual people’ in the same way I am encountering ‘non-spiritual people’. (Whatever that means?) I encounter all of them with curiosity and compassion. (Well, at least I try my very best to do so.)

We all are the freakin’ same! We all are made of the same source!

If you have an idea about what could be right and what could be wrong deep down inside of yourself, if something feels ‘tight’ (or even strangling), really ‘uncomfortable’ in a way that holds you back from getting out of bed on some days….

Then probably YOU KNOW THE TRUTH ALREADY – deep down inside of yourself, but you might close your eyes from it or you don’t honor it….

SO MANY OF US INCREDIBLE BEINGS ARE STILL LOOKING FOR ANSWERS – from the outside world, from gurus, from books, from leaders,…..

And if some or these leaders says something true: “You alone are responsible for your life. You alone can make a choice.”, they get angry or sad or frustrated.

“No, this can’t be it. There must be somebody else making a better choice for me.”

Don’t get me wrong.

I am looking for somebody making choices for me all the f*cking time.

I am a human. A lot of times I am tired or hungry or confused or not willing to make a decision… I, too, want to belong to a tribe – and ‘let them decide’.

But: I don’t blame. I am aware that ‘I can do better’. I can be a little bit more compassionate and understanding towards the person in front of me in this very moment.

I can have a little bit more love radiating from my heart in this very moment.

I can be a little bit more open for the new.

This is ‘being spiritual’.