Transformation Inventory

This is the biggest section of my blog. As this whole blog is a personal growth experiment you can follow my process here. Sometimes it is more of a summary of my insights. Other times it is just something like a spiritual diary. Another time it is a little bit of candy floss about the universe.

Have fun!

by Uli on Threesome, Transformation Inventory

3 Ways to Drop The Self-Sabotage-Agenda

“What’s harder? Accepting that you are happy and blessed or resonating with your trauma?”

This is a question that found its way into my notes at some point in 2021.

All of a sudden there was light at the end of the tunnel – after a dark period of loss and despair (Let’s call it “the year 2020”). I had a new job in sight and a relationship I was in (and still am) turned out to be a safe haven for…my chaos, my love and my growth….

Unwittingly I had arrived in a place where I am ‘allowed’ to flourish – in all shapes and colors.

“Yesterday it rained and today the sun is shining. One has to deal with that.”

This quote is written on the website of a coaching “agency” I had the chance to work with last year. I had the chance to get support by an art therapist within the framework of a ‘coaching & consultation for creatives and people who work in the media industry’.

The quote describes accurately the situation that I had found myself in last year. Even though things got significantly better, the self-doubt was lurking and fight-flight-freeze often the only response to stressful experiences.

“Yesterday it rained and today the sun is shining. One has to deal with that.”

The thing is: We humans tend to resonate with trauma and with worry more than we resonate with happiness.

It is incredibly hard to resonate with happiness if we have re-created and cultivated trauma-responses in our lives early on.

For example: If we are programmed to disregard our own needs or goals in order to protect or impress a parent and/or to harmonize the relationship dynamics within our family, most likely we will carry out self-destructive behaviours in our adult life. We might neglect our personal goals or our health.

Until we learn to prioritize ourselves…

How Far Did I Get With Displaying The Same Behaviours?

We all have developed mechanisms that help us to be accepted within our tribe, but there is a possibility that we have buried parts of ourselves and a whole lot of potential beyond these survival tactics.

There are Psychologists like Gabor Maté or Neuroscientist Bessel van der Kolk who devoted their work to understanding the dynamics of trauma. And how we can train our brains to move “through” the trauma.

I’m taking a short-cut here: What trauma research has shown is that trauma affects our brain physically and as a result it changes our behaviour.

The great thing about that: We are able to transform our coping-mechanisms to some degree – thanks to neuroplasticity.

And I experienced it first hand – basically by starting this blog (which still astonishes me!!!).

At some point I asked myself:

How far did I get with displaying the same behaviours over and over again?

Not that far – so why not try something else? The opposite, for example!

And this brings me to the first insight that helped me to change my relationship with self-sabotage:

1. Belief What Other People Are Telling You About Yourself

About two years ago I was in a state where I had no choice anymore. I had to ask for help.

The global crisis was incredibly aligned with my personal crisis: I reached rock bottom when the pandemic forced me to “go home”. Apart from travel life my whole idea about romantic love got smashed and my mom got cancer. I had no idea what to do next.

I knew one thing: I couldn’t trust myself, because I had been misleading myself very far off from my core… I did not know where I begin and where I end – boundaries still appeared to be a foreign concept to me.

How did this happen? Apparently I was constantly re-traumatizing myself! The more I learnt about trauma-responses, the subconscious and the biochemical processes in my body, the more I understood in which way I had created my own reality:

How do we create reality? We filter, segment and value the information that we receive – partly subconsciously.

I thought negatively about myself, because I never really learnt to prioritize my own needs. I always functioned as some sort of “emotional buffer”. Within my family and in friendships often times I found myself in the role of a rescuer – or mediator (best case scenario).

So, what did this do to my thinking? I filtered mainly the negative information out of every situation and every conversation that proved my self-image to be right. Subconsciously I programmed myself into thinking: “I am not worthy.”

This way my lack of self-confidence became a self-fulfilling prophecy… UNTIL: I had to ask for help, because I felt mentally and physically unprepared to deal with the changes that presented themselves in my life.

Slowly I opened up to coaches and therapists. I talked to my friends and other people who helped me to recover my own resources:

  • my determination towards growth
  • my willingnesss to learn
  • my resilience
  • my “spiritual tools” like yoga and meditation
  • my love for nature
  • and last but not least: My ability to relate to others and my compassion for all beings (connection to the planet).

Finally I experienced a sense of self-worth.

It dawned on me: What if I trusted? What if I’d believe in the positive things people are seeing in me or telling me about myself? (Much, much earlier in my journey I had started to cultivate a diary of compliments, which helped me to collect positive things about myself. Maybe I should start this again.)

2. Make a Different Choice – NOW

I had nothing to lose.

Looking back this sensation gave me a never felt freedom amidst a personal crisis. A freedom that gave me an opportunity to choose a different direction and at the end a whole other way of being!

Today, I made the choice:

“I’m going to press the publishing button – no matter what.”

This is what I owe myself – a commitment to my own writing journey, my own growth (even if it hurts).

And this is also what I did in the darkest moments of my life: I made the choice to think positive. To trust into the universe.

Sometimes we need to make a different choice – just for the sake of it!

Just for the sake of “trying something new”. As simple as that.

In my experience this is the way to go in order to live a different life.

Sometimes any action is better than no action – in order to get out of deep discomfort, the writer’s-block or in order to change anything in life…

It can be the tiniest step, but it will be a step in a new direction – towards a new life!

3. Appreciate Your Gifts

Retrospectively my willingness to open up to possibility led me onto the path of becoming a professional coach! (I will share more about that “right on time”.;) How? I had asked for feedback. I received feedback that helped me to start valueing my abilities. And now I am starting to implement the changes into my life.

All of a sudden my brain created the following questions: What if I had something to share? What if other people could benefit from my life experience? What if I’d drop the self-sabotage-agenda?

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory

Thoughts on Arrival

In the absence of thought there is only peace.

I walk towards S-Bahn-Station Berg am Laim.

As many times before I pass the two huge chestnut trees in front of the house I live in.

I did not consciously notice the first one.

The second one lays its branches around my shoulders like protective wings.

A few meters ahead I cross the street and I pass the bus station as I did many times before.

“Something’s changed,” a thought appears somewhere beyond my mind.

Emptiness.

There is a void.

But this time it’s different.

There is no fear gripping, no doubt holding my heart hostage.

My legs are moving effortlessly.

The weight of my backpack does not drag at all.

“There is ground beneath my feet,” I observe clearly.

I share my contemplation with my friend Antje.

“This must be this famous now.”

Yes.

There it was – “the now” – unspectacular but nothing less fullfilling than a cup of morning coffee.

Earlier this week I had a discussion with another friend on “judgment”.

She proclaimed: “While you are tasting a wine, what’s the purpose of labeling the taste?”

Right, what difference does it make? Dry or sweet? Red or white? If you made “the best deal” or not? If you chose right path or not? If you made the right decision or not? If you catch the next train or not?

Of course it makes a difference!!

But does it help you to arrive?

I don’t think so.

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory

“The Why” is Not The Holy Grail

“You got to become your own person before you can do your job on this earth.“

I don’t remember the exact words of Maor, someone I met briefly at a goodbye party of a friend of mine in Hamburg in 2018.

“Hm.”

Or something like that could have been my response. To be honest, I don’t remember if I countered anything. But I do remember that I was desperate. I was desperately searching and looking. I was desperate for adventure, for feeling feelings, for feeling something.

I was craving life. I was terrified of never finding what I was looking for – without knowing what I was looking for.

I was collecting memories and acquaintances – but did I know myself?

In the meantime I numbed myself. I filled the void inside of myself with all sorts of things. (substances, pleasure, party,….), but I had no clue what was really going on within myself…

This ‘unclarity’ crumbled away over time – like a crust of mud.

What I have learnt is that the mud has to dry first. The dust has to settle. And then the path clears eventually. The seeds can spring and the blossoms bloom…

I have been stirring up mud for quite a while. And I am pretty sure that I will keep stirring up mud. It is part of the journey (my journey) – to experience it all.

There is this big Why roaming around in the spheres around “personal development” – and yes knowing the why can be quite helpful.

Especially the “Why do I feel like shit most of the time?” over the “Why am I getting up in the morning?”

I did not want to question my feelings. Why? (Haha) Firstly: Because I didn’t even know this could be a good question to ask?! Secondly: I didn’t want to admit to myself in which areas of my life I had “lost it” or I supposedly “failed”.

“Find your why” – this has become an ever-lasting quest for a lot of people.

The realizations that I am sharing here with you stem solely from my personal experience. There is a huge probability that this self-development thing works different for you. Nevertheless I feel the urge to share this:

What I found out is that “the WHY” is not the holy grail… healing is!

What do I mean by that?

In 2015, when I was made redundant from my first work-contract, I was feeling the call too – the call that I translated into: “Find your why!”.

Over the years I have met a lot of people who put a mirror right in front of my face:

“You are lost.”
“You are the universe.”
“You have to prioritize yourself.”
“You need to find yourself first before you can make a difference in this world”

(Wo),man, I had no clue what this was all about.

Well, not no clue, but I was not able to deduce any action from all the mirroring I had (involuntarily) received from the outside-world.

Now I still don’t have a full picture, but I came to the understanding that I don’t need to have a full picture. I will never comprehend it all. This life is freakin’ unpredictable and I better embrace the unknown!

What is predictable is one universal truth: “Things WILL change” (I wrote about change many times in this blog. Actually every post is about change.)

And they did…. in my life over and over and over again. And I am more and more able to EMBRACE the unknown.

I was – and I still am lost – to some extent. But more and more this feeling of being lost transmutes into a state of floating (for some reason this is the word that emerged).

And I tell you: My mind is intervening – all the fucking time. Letting go is a permanent practice.

Thoughts, thinking patterns, limiting beliefs – they come back in circles, in arrays, in fractals, in seasons… (You choose which image works for you).

So. I faced a lot of (uncomfortable) truths about:

  • My conditionings and where they are coming from
  • To what extent I am influenced by toxic energies in my life.
  • Where I am not taking responsibility for my own life.
  • Codependency.
  • Addiction.
  • Rage.
  • Fear.
  • Grief.

The list is long….

What I have learnt over the years is that “the WHY” is slowly sneaking in.

I am growing into my why….

Our Wounds Are Our Gifts

First things ARE first: If I close my eyes from the areas where my body and my being demands healing, I will not find any useful “why”. The “why” will be a sugarcoated lie that I keep telling myself until I collapse.

Well, I do want to be radical here. First of all I have to define what I mean by healing.

Healing is the process of becoming whole again.

This is not really correct. We are already whole to be accurate. Healing is more a “fixing of the holes”, removing the dirt, dropping the unnecessary baggage, standing up on our own feet…

The healing process is sometimes a refurbishing, sometimes it is a surgery, sometimes it’s a sudden removal or a complete turn-over.

We are thrown into situations that tear us apart.

This is part of the human experience. These situations are here to teach us….

If we are torn apart the first step we need to take is to find the pieces that belong to us. The next step is to put them back together.

As long as I am putting myself together – this is my “why”. My healing is my “why”.

I don’t say you have to wait until you are fully healed until you are finally able to share your work.

The opposite is the case.
There is beauty in all of our messy healing procedures.

And there are people who benefit.
There are people who will embrace your experience.
There are people who will love to hear your story. This is what humanity always did – listening to stories and learning from them.

I am not cheesy here, this is what it is – and always used to be.

There are people out there whose healing depends on your healing.

The work that you put in matters.

Nothing you do is self-sufficient.

You will show-up in a way that is beneficial for others. Sometimes it’s only one person in the room. Sometimes it’s an audience of a million…..

So, you don’t know your why?

Don’t worry about it. Rest. Heal. Your time will come.

Healing is expansion.
Healing is the arrival in the present moment.
Healing is union with yourself.
Healing is completion.
Healing is meeting yourself where you are at.

Healing is doing one step at a time. Patiently.

“The why” can become a trap if you don’t take the time to really acknowledge where you are at right now.

And I tell you, I have been there. I am still rushing. I am still wondering very frequently: How do I set boundaries? How do I know what I want? How do I know that I am still on the path?

Then I remember to walk hand in hand with my heart.
This is what the hard times do to me.

There is this potential or let’s say a potential for potential stored within ourselves. This little seed that is resting there somewhere in our subconscious or in our brain.

When you heal you are able to reveal what wants to be revealed. And this is how you follow your purpose.

The hard times force us to walk hand in hand with our heart.

Let’s shed our old skin. Let’s forgive and heal.

 
by Uli on Rough Diamonds, Transformation Inventory

A Moment of Bliss

Curiosity is rising inside of me. There is only clarity. There is nothing I can see. The appearances of life don’t matter beyond the realm of my mind.

I arrive in my body. And I do it with delight. I feel a sense of care for myself. There is a pure source of love within my heart and my breath is the key to that door that I had locked with distraction.

I feel compassion for my old self. I let the anger fade like the clouds in the sky on that stormy day. The wind is blowing away my resentment towards myself and the world. No doubt is blurring my sight as I allow time to pass. And this is what I do – sitting and waiting and entering that state of bliss with all of my being. That chamber of excitement – bright and colorful placed inside of me is bringing me to life.

At the bottom of my heart I can be at rest. There is only peace. There is nothing to run from and nothing to run for. Because everything is already achieved.

I am earth. No need to “earth” myself.

There is a common ground within myself. This is why I feel compassion for the entire planet and not only for the people who are close and dear to me.

Non-judgement is the true nature of my being if I allow my thoughts to drop like snowflakes on an icy winter-afternoon. Thoughts can be fun, but they can also cause a lot of turmoil.

All of a sudden I am able to tap into that powerful being that I am. And I knew it all along. I feel grateful that I am finally able to hold my own hand. I finally found my tools – within.

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory

Remember to Breathe

“Change doesn’t happen overnight.”

This truth revealed itself to me several times.

Sure, I can comprehend that intellectually.

But incorporating the patience to bear that truth – that’s a different story….

I AM IMPATIENT. With myself. With the world around me. With the people who are “waking up” right now in this world. I don’t want to be impatient. I want to have compassion.

How do I want to have patience with other people if I am my hardest judge?

“You should be more confident.”
“You should be somewhere else in your life.”

Yeah, I’m claiming myself to be empathetic. But when it comes to my own development I bounce my head against the walls of my own resistance. “Resistance to what?,” you might ask… My resistance to feel what really wants to be felt in the very moment.

Writing this down raises a smile on my face. Warmth is softening my chest. “Take it easy,” an internal voice whispers into my awareness.

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”

Mary Anne Radmacher

Honestly, this quote moved me.

How much time do I give myself? To evolve, to learn, to remember, to integrate?

How many times do I rush into a decision?

How many times do I not listen to my exhaustion?

What this whole pandemic thing (call it whatever you please) teaches me is: PATIENCE. And I am so freakin’ grateful for this – even if it’s the hardest lesson I have yet to learn.

What I learnt over and over again from my past is that life does not follow a chronological timeline.

I can manifest. I can picture my brightest future. As soon as I take steps new challenges arise. New insecurities show up.

Surprise, surprise – the body is striking. The mind is rebelling.

And here you are: “Wait a minute? I have asked for this, why is it that hard?”

Because we grow in sections.
Friction is a companion on our journey.
Challenge will never leave us.
Challenge comes when we least expect it and, surely, when we most need it in order to make our own decisions.
They are here to test us.

When universe asks: “Are you serious?”

Do you go all in?

All in often times means not to push hard. It means to pull back. To take rest. To cry. To sleep. To recover. To re-cover what you have buried beneath new layers of life experience.

Something you considered as healed may re-inflames.
And then it is up to you to open your eyes to reality. Will you take the time to heal? Or will you distract yourself again and not move on?

The best advice I can give myself these days (as a fire sign) is: SLOW THE F*ck DOWN. Do you. Keep clear. Don’t overdo. Move along, but do it in your own pace (or slightly slower.)

Is there something you have overlooked in your enthusiasm?
Is your body asking for something else than your busy mind does deliver?
Is there anything at all that needs to be done right now?


Do you remember to breathe?

Breeeeeaaaathe through discomfort.
Move through hardships with grace.
Accept the challenge.

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory

Don’t Set Rules, Set Intentions

Don’t set rules, set intentions.

There is this voice inside of me that gives me commands every now and then (or if I am able to listen).

This morning I was able to listen.

I woke up happy. I woke up with a sense of excitement for the first time in a long time.

It was nearly 8 o’clock already. Way too late for the ‘ambitious’ Uli to start the day.

But my eyes were not burning. I felt a sense of gratitude. I was at ease – physically and mentally, with the world and with myself.

My window was open and I heard the rain dripping outside. The rain of an early January morning of the year 2022.

The past two days I was in a very dark mood. “The old” came creeping back up. “The new” was not yet to come. The fun fact is: the new does never come. Well, it does. But we can’t see it at first.

A friend of mine told me in a voice message yesterday: “You seem to be on your way. You seem to grow organically.”

And yes, maybe, only maybe, I am able to agree on this today.

So, what do I do?

In times of crisis. (And boy, I went through patches of crisis within the past over 24 months. Actually I found out that I was at my “lowest” in 2018. So it would be 48 months to be more precise. 😉 Ha!)

What do I do in these periods of crisis? Or the moments of anxiety?

I set intentions!

I did this so many times. During my lowest times I prayed every single day, every hour, sometimes I prayed every single minute of the day. I prayed for release. I prayed for a sign.

The thing with sings is: They never come when we (supposedly) need them the most. So, there is not really a point in asking for signs – every time we are in doubt.

What we do need to do is to take action.

What I learnt is that the voice of intuition is sometimes the faintest, the quietest in our blasting brain. What is blasting is: the self-doubt, the “shoulds”, the self-sabotage (an article on the topic of self-sabotage is in the pipeline).

We will always find hundreds of reasonable reasons to not do the step that we want to do, the step that is beneficial for our own growth.

What I got to learn throughout the past years of nomading and roaming around is: THERE IS NO WRONG STEP. There truly isn’t. I know it sounds pathetic. It is pathetic, but it is (for a change) a narrative that serves our personal development.

We can never predict the outcome. Who crosses our path is beyond our control. Who is going to help us is beyond our imagination. But guess what? THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO WILL UNDERSTAND AND SUPPORT YOU. If? (Yeah, right. What are the ifs here?) If you change your thinking? Yes… What else? If you KEEP MOVING.

And it does not matter in which direction you go. Because there will be new intersections. New decisions along this path – over and over and over again.

There is no point in overthinking the next step.

What we can do is: We can set intentions. And this is what I did in the past couple of days when I was so down, so discouraged. I did not know how exactly to get out of my “old ways” of being and thinking. I still have no Idea. I have no idea how to “not be too hard on myself”.

Nevertheless, even if my mind said ‘shut the fuck up and squeeze your butt’, I wrote an intention into my notebook: “Prioritize yourself.”

This morning I prioritized myself by sleeping in and going for a long morning walk (Of course this is not always possible, but every now and then… why not?)

Words truly become seeds, if we let them….

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory

Thank You Letter To My Friends

Okay, I’m getting a bit cheesy towards the end of the year, but I really want to get this across:

This goes out to all my friends – the courageous souls who are walking this path with me:

THANK YOU for your tireless support.

Thank you for keeping me on track whenever I need it (and for leaving me alone whenever I need it;).

Thank you for clearing the mirror when I can’t see myself.

Thank you for grounding me when I’m losing touch with my source.

Thank you for “doing the work” – with or without me.

Thank you for guiding me into my power – sometimes with force and this is why I love you even more.

Thank you for making me proud of being a part of this all.

THANK YOU for reminding me that I am not crazy.

I am so grateful to have you all in my life. You know who you are.

I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart.

Sit back.
Be you.
Be even more you!

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory

Observations of 2021

I wasn’t planning on writing an “end of the year”-post. (I was planning on writing a whole bunch of other stuff of course – as always:)

But there is some plain truth revealing itself to me over and over again in the recent days.

It is this crystal clear clarity – the clarity of a freezing cold, sunny winter morning:

Healing occurs – but “the work” doesn’t end.
Awareness opens up new doors. It brings forth new realms, new lessons to discover…

The lesson is not the learning. It is never the learning.
The lesson is the experience.

This year ends as it began – with a bucket full of wisdom.

My main observations of 2021 that hopefully serve me well in 2022:

  • Time passes – if I do anything about it or not.
  • I get wiser – if I want it or not. 😉
  • Everything changes – if I want it or not. When I said “I am the change” at the beginning of this year, it was true because I am “the whole ocean in one drop” (Rumi), but still there is a whole other ocean out there…. (With other words: The whole ocean is still vast and unknown.)
  • NOTHING is like it seems! I wish everybody would understand this….
  • And (surprise, surprise): I can’t predict the future – neither can I control the outcome.

What can I do?

I can embrace the human experience (my newest discovery).

I can give birth to every moment, to my own creation, to connection, to myself (the old and the new)….

I can meet my intuition halfway – in stillness. And the stillness is not to be found anywhere else but “within myself”.

This is all nothing new. I wrote about all this from day one of this writing experiment called “growthbuddy”.

And still: This is what fills me with joy. Writing this down here lets my heart sigh, so I will keep going. And this time one thing is for sure: I CAN’T WAIT!!

I am beyond excited to greet 2022. Also I am beyond excited – and honored – to finish this year with a little bit more peace and acceptance within myself. And hey: This is more than I could have ever asked for.

Thank you life for always meeting me where I am at 😉

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory

Collective Shadow Work, The Fear of Change and The Paradox of “Surrender”

Change is here. Change is now. By now most of us seem to agree on this: Change is inevitable.

But how do we proceed on our journey?

The fear of change is creating a huge shadow overcasting the sky of opportunity.

It is our turn to step up and step right into this fog. Now is the time to shine, fellow lightworkers. Don’t be scared of this huge wall of darkness in front of you. It is only energy and you are able to transform it.

Give in and surrender to your feelings. This is how you let the wall dissolve. This is collective shadow work. Allow your cells to transmute.

Open up. Loose grip. Bow down. Give in, soul.

Devote yourself to the truth.

Melt into the moment. Accept the challenge that is being presented right in front of you.

Look through the veil. Open yourself up and step into reality.

Solve the problems that you are facing with the means that you have instead of blaming, blaming, blaming… the circumstances or everyone else who appears to be incapable of solving your problems, because they are your problems and not theirs.

You have the power to solve those problems if you are willing to see the resources you are given.

What are you fighting for? And what are you revolting?

Let go of your comfort and then let go of your discomfort. As simple as that.

“The great surrendering” is here. We have the chance to come back to our senses.

Confusion leads to expansion if we let it.

Chaos is the motor of our progress.

Challenge is the driving force of the evolution of consciousness.

Fear is our magical tool.

Why?

Fear vanishes the ego. Let it in.
Fear forces us to dive into the unknown.
The ego can’t persist and it will succumb to unity.

This is our unique opportunity to come back to life.

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory

Thinking About Writing

Oh my goodness. Am I really sitting here thinking about writing?

Am I thinking about doing that thing that fills me with joy? This is what I sometimes call “dreaming about the destination”.

I love writing it all out. The raw unfiltered writing. I love writing down the finishing lines – typing “this perfect ending”.

But how many times does the doubt creep in? How many times do I choose diversion?

“What if I have nothing to say?”

Well, what if I’d reverse that question? “What if I have something to say?!”

Start. Now.