These days I feel ‘outdated’.

I don’t know exactly what I mean by that, but who the hell am I to know what I’m writing about?

I feel like I need an update.

Nope, actually I feel like I need a new harddrive; a super fast ssd with rapid mode if this is a thing…

The past couple of days I was punishing myself for not being productive – nothing new.

I don’t know about you, but I’m so busy preserving my sanity that I barely get things done at the moment.

Before/during christmas I wanted to post at least two more posts. I wanted to start using the writing software scrivener, I wanted to make up my mind about the direction I’m heading professionally next year…

It is a lot right now.

I feel like I’m standing at the intersection of a busy road.

Did I say intersection?

Not quite.

I feel like I’ve just gotten out of a deep forest after a long-distance hike and now I’m trying to cross a busy six-lane-highway….

Nope, I DON’T have all my ducks in a row right now. And my ducks are freaking out!

Plus:

There is a ton of unpublished material.
There are myriads of unprocessed ideas, half-finished articles and creative projects.
There are endless tasks on my numerous to-do-lists and endless things I want to get better at….

Stop!

There is something else beyond all this confusion…

There is this huge potential hidden in every challenge that I’m facing. There is this profound growth concealed in every solution that I find.

There is this deep knowledge inside of me.

I just know that it’s there – even if it’s not accessible to me…

Do I might also need a new graphics card?

There is this heartening trust in spite of all the uncertainty.

Mayyybee, only maybe the challenges of this year pay off?

“You are the only one keeping me sane,” a friend of mine – who admittedly is slightly mad (in the most positive sense) – pointed out to me.

THAT’S funny.

I feel like I’m going insane.

What did he mean?

Well, I have doubts and I have fears.

Throughout this year I learnt that I better be transparent with myself about my fears, my doubts and my pain.

Why? Because otherwise I get nasty. I’m starting to destroy things, because I’m blaming them for making my life not working.

But in the end it’s just a small adjustment that my soul is calling upon? Maybe I just need to refurbish my toolbox?

I better check for software updates before the end of the year…

All these lessons want to be integrated.

Maybe sometimes a reboot is the only option?