Personal Growth Experiment

by Uli on Rough Diamonds

Blame or Claim

Do you blame or do you claim? Do you choose freedom or do you lose your power over indecision? Do you try to fit into the standards of your surrounding or do you choose your own liberation over the patterns of the past?

Do you choose the freedom of your senses? The power of your intuition? Your intuitive knowing that always finds the way…

I came to terms with the fact that I am the one in charge.

I can’t have it all. Everything in life has its price. It’s just a matter of what I’m willing to pay. Do I pay with my freedom or with my insanity? Do I earn my liberation by choosing my free will at all costs? 

No, neither do I select my thoughts nor do I choose my upbringing. But I am the one who responds. And this is how I change my life.

Yes, some things might not happen – and some things never will. Life is not what happens in my wildest dreams. Because life is not what happens in my dreams in the first place.

Life is what happens when I choose to be myself now and in every moment. Life happens when I allow myself to listen and when I forget, for a moment, where I’m coming from and what I have been told.

That’s when I invent myself anew: When I forget the story that has been told.

When I claim instead of blame…. This is when I open up to possibility. – And this is when no one else gets harmed.

 
by Uli on Micro Habit Challenge, Transformation Inventory

My Inner Critic Lives in The Future

My inner critic lives in the future.

I can’t see him here.

Recently I’ve finished my inner critic micro habit challenge and I still owe you (and me) a conclusion.

How can I continue the conversation with my critic in a constructive way? This was kind of the question that arose towards the end of the challenge a week ago.

The short answer: There is no such thing like a ‘constructive conversation’ with my inner critic, because the critical voice is not productive by any means.

What has happened since then?

Honestly, this past week has been a crazy ride. Now that I’m typing I want to use the time to sum up what’s happening, because I witness that this week has been big for a lot of us.

To me it feels like a huge energy wave is rolling over us all – business closures, new beginnings, re-inventions, death and rebirth. This seems to be the pattern for a lot of us right now – if we are aware of it or not.

I’m sure, whoever is reading this, agrees: We live in wild times right now.

So, apparently I had started the inner critic challenge at a crucial point in my personal and professional development. I can witness a huge shift in consciousness within myself and others – and this seems to reflect in the material world.

More details about that will be revealed over time and most likely, in one way or another be shared on this blog.

All of a sudden – I’d say exhilarating – possibilities come floating (that’s the word that comes up – again) into my life.

Again, I’m learning that things do fall into place if I let them. I have worked freakin’ hard over these past couple of months – that’s partly what made me start the challenge, because I realized that my inner critic is not really, mmmh, let’s say… productive?!

And yes… Now I know: My inner critic is not here to be productive. He is here to warn me – and, to be honest, that’s an euphemism!

Actually I can’t really find any use of the inner critic apart from criticizing ‘unfoundedly’.

As I mentioned in my previous post: The critical voice doesn’t live in the present moment.

If I want to be the best version of myself, I better be present now. That’s where the magic happens.

So, what could be a takeaway from this challenge?

Raising awareness for the internal voices has helped me to see my own potential and my own value much clearer.

My critic doesn’t appear to me like someone to have constructive conversations with. It’s more like an invisible twin, a voice that immediately mutes as soon as I center myself.

Also: The critic does not really leave room for play. That’s something I identified as part of my mission on this earth. To play, spread lightness and eliminate pain.

So, all I can do is to cultivate more awareness and a nurturing environment for my ‘productive’ self, which is the spark of energy that lives in my physical body.

 
by Uli on Micro Habit Challenge, Transformation Inventory

Can I Turn Towards my Inner Critic With Compassion?

Okay, the first 10 days of the challenge are already over and I have to say: again this investigation exceeded my expectations. And, again, it led to profound insights into my mind. 

I could reveal some fundamental misconceptions that consume my energy to an unhealthy extent! Indeed, my inner critic plays a crucial role in my productivity, but not the role I assigned to him.

What I got wrong all this time was my assumption that my inner critic is working in my favor. The idea that he (in my perception it’s a male voice, ha! another hint) has my highest interests in mind. 

I obviously fell for another productivity trap. There is definitely a lot to debunk here… So, what are my major insights for now?

  1. The critic is only in my head. 
  2. The critic does want something, but not necessarily what I want.
  3. My inner critic refrains from constructive collaboration. 


Let’s dive a little deeper on these points. The first thing that I revealed is that the critic is solely a construct of my mind. As soon as I move my attention into my physical body the critic is gone. I have tried to chase him down, but there was no trace in my limbs or my internal organs. This little shift in attention already disempowered the inner critic to an invaluable extent.

Secondly: The inner critic definitely does not have my highest interests in mind. That clarifies: my mind definitely does not work in my favor either, which is not necessarily news for me. I would go a step further: Initially I wanted to use this challenge to boost my productivity. Remember, I wanted to act! But what I found out was that I don’t have most of the desires my inner critic is assuming. A lot of times there is nothing to do – which gives me more time to relax. This, again, reinvigorates my nervous system and enables me to act more self-empowered.

Now to the third point: Generally I consider myself as someone who is able to take criticism. Yes, because I already criticize myself to a level that no one else can meet. t’s really difficult to find something I haven’t already told myself… But what the inner critic is holding me back from is having a constructive conversation with myself. 

So, my whole predicament became much clearer. The question now is not “Can I mute my inner critic?” but “Can I meet my inner critic with compassion?”. 

These ten days already gave me another level of self-awareness. New seeds of compassion have been planted. In a couple of days I will give another update – and maybe some sort of conclusion how to proceed with the conversation.

 
by Uli on Micro Habit Challenge, Transformation Inventory

Can I Mute my Inner Critic?

Who saw that coming?

I didn’t. (POV: Shouldn’t growthbuddy be a grown-up by now?)

I proudly announce: My next (5th?) Micro Habit Challenge, a two-week growth experiment.

It’s been a while, yes.

And it’s been a while since I really dove deep here on this blog. It doesn’t mean that I did not dive deep in my real life. Actually it’s the opposite.

This year has been transformative beyond measure. And I have the feeling that it will finish that way too… There has been not a single day without breakthroughs this year.

  • I found love inside of myself. The love for the guru. (I will speak about that in further posts.)
  • I have found my truth amidst emotional turmoil and chaos – again and again – and yet:
  • I have lost myself to an extent that I can’t recall from my previous iterations of change. (Spoiler: It’s the good kind of lost.)
  • I have found my tribe, a new tribe I did not see coming in this lifetime (which excites me and increases my anxiousness at times, because now I have no excuses anymore to hide myself in the closet.).
  • Last but not least: I have received a blessing from His Holiness the Dalai Lama in Dharamsala, India, which literally brought me to my knees and allowed me to enter the most humbling healing journey of my life.

Something has shifted this year. In a big way. And this big shift caused my self sabotage system to flare. The void has gotten very dark, the unknown inexhaustibly vast. My ego simply can’t handle it anymore, haha.

Wow, the conditionings are way more powerful than I have imagined!! I really bought into the narrative… “Just one more cource, one more training and then I’m there.” A yoga teacher training (to be really precise, my second yoga teacher training), the successful finishing of my professional coaching training end of last year, the starting of tibetan buddhism studies, the fulfillment of my dream to go back to my precious India this year… All of it – did not beat my limiting beliefs. It did not mute – or find any fruitful connection my inner critic (at least not that I’m aware of). It did not change the narrative that I’m still holding on to so tightly (and lovingly?).

Actually my self doubts are bigger than ever before. Haha, you wonder why?

Because now is the time to put things into action. I literally can’t contain all the knowledge anymore. It’s spilling out of my ears. (Not sure if this is an English term. It’s a German one.). I have to put ‘my work’ into practice, get myself “out there” in order to move on – while (while and not despite) I am in constant transformation… I don’t think I will ever be ready. So. The time is now! NOW I’m ready!

This is probably the biggest realization of this year so far: There is no end to it. I will keep transforming. We all do. And that’s absolutely astonishing and, in my opinion, it’s actually really good news: We are changing!! Hurrayy!

“You are more than ready. You have the knowledge. You have the experience. You have what it takes to show up,” a friend and coaching buddy recently pointed out too me.

Only one thing is still blocking me: And this is my own mind that keeps spiraling down those rabbit holes again and again and again.

You know what?

I am done with it.

I have done hard shit. I have moved out of really dense toxic patterns. I will move beyond this invisible wall too – whatever it takes.

So, what am I going to do?

For the next two weeks I will MUTE the inner critic. How am I going to do that? I’m not really sure to be honest. Haha.

These are some baby steps I’m planning to take from today on for the next two weeks:

  • If I feel an urge to “act”, to create or to say something and I don’t do it, because I think “I’m not ready” (or anything along those lines), I will do it anyway.
  • If I crawl into my shell, because a wave of worthlessness is rolling over me, I will let it move on.
  • I will take the time to meditate for 30 minutes and journal in the evenings. By the end of next week I will post my update…
  • Oooh: And a hard one: I’m going to ask for help, if I happen to beat myself up for not knowing something really crucial. Because this is what the inner critic loves to do: To blame me for my lack of knowledge in certain topics, whereas the more useful step would be to ask for help…

Why I am doing this?

Honestly, those Micro Habit Challenges have been the most transformational, motivating and in this way “productive” for me… They really raise my awareness on those sweet-spots. I vividly remember my writing challenge from 2018 (or was it 2019? Will check that later.) and my “non-judgement-challenge”.

I identified the inner voice and now I’m going to change it. Easy. Let’s go.

 
by Uli on Rough Diamonds

What if?

What if things go right?
What if everything does fall into place?
What if you do live up to your values?
What if you live happily ever after?
What if?
What if you discover joy and happiness within yourself?
What if there is a tomorrow that is slightly better than today?
What if you grow beyond what you thought is possible?
What if you free yourself from doubt?
What if?
What if you transform your fear into action?
What if nothing was lost anyways?
What if you liberate your decisions from the outcome?
What if you live your life to the fullest?

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory

Who Are You Without Your Mistakes?

Who are you without your mistakes? This is a question I kept pondering for a while now – probably for years.

Are you you? Without mistakes?

Are you fulfilling your “dharma” – without mistakes?

“In ‘doing’, there are always mistakes.”

This is what Swami Rakesh, my philosophy teacher at the 200 hours yoga teacher training I have just finished told me in a private consultation.

This implies: If we are not making any mistakes, are we doing?

I repeat, because it is so fundamental: Who are you without your mistakes?

You might walk, but do you walk in your own shoes?
You might do, but do you do you?

Or are you avoiding the thing you want to do, because you are avoiding mistakes?

Another perspective:

Do you learn without mistakes?

Of course not!

Perfection is not the path. It can’t be…. Why? Because we are here to learn.

The path is paved with mistakes. Detours. Ups and downs.

This is how we see.

This is how we dis-cover the things that are being hidden from us.

How will you be able to see the whole picture if you only look at what you want to see?

How do you feel fully if you avoid feeling the whole spectrum?

How do you find comfort in this life if you only walk on the bright side?

This is not it!

I know you know it!

Darkness is an aspect of the light. Without dark, there is no light.

This is more fundamental to understand than I could ever imagine… And yet, I’m scratching the surface…..

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory

Let it be Hard

“I want it to be easy!” – I’m punching my pillow.

“Let it be hard!” – An internal voice releases my vigor.

Recently I’ve made some tough decisions. And for a moment I fell for the panic, the doubt and the despair…

Until I remembered:

In order to live an exceptional life we get to make exceptional decisions. Decisions no one has ever made before, because no one has ever walked in our shoes…

Decisions that move our life path away from the “crowd”.

It is tough. It brings up fears of rejection, of loss or of poverty.

But you know what?

It’s part of the game!

This is what unleashes the wild self within!

This is what strengthens our resolve!

I want to encourage you:

DO the step you are so scared of but you kept pondering for years.

MOVE where destiny is calling you.

YOU know it. No one else.

No fortune teller can tell you what to do.

Only you are in charge.

And this is not a top-to-bottom advice of some sort.

I encourage myself too with a livin’ prayer. 😉

It’s easy to talk about it.

It is freakin’ hard to WALK it!!

The path no one has walked before.

Your path.

It’s easy to learn a lot of things but actually putting them into action: this is the hard part! Yes. It is hard and it is beautiful.

It’s, without a doubt, the most satisfying thing in the world.

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory

Embodied Darkness

The winds of change are blowing strong these days…

It’s a good time to, finally, share another moment with you.

Slowly I’m swallowing my own medicine. I find wisdom in pain.

“Nobody’s wise who doesn’t know darkness.”

This quote by Hermann Hesse has been hanging on my wall for a couple of years now.

Only now, I understood its fundamental meaning:

I don’t overcome darkness.
I embody it.

This is basically what I have been practicing with this blog. And what I have been recovering over and over again:
Pain wants to tell me something. It is here for me and not against me.

I’m doing integration work.

I find wisdom in pain – and not despite the pain.

I integrate what is – and not what’s supposed to be.

This is called tantra in the widest sense.

I expand by integrating what is there.

What I integrate has been a part of me ever since – a part that I neglected for the longest time. A dark part.

A dark part of my psyche, of my physical body or of my emotional body that I would prefer to hide.

Instead of facing it I tend to set goals, aim higher, dig for more…

“The dark days will be over, if….,” for a very long time I fell for this hedonistic idea.

They are not. They never will be. Because there is always the next step, the next goal, the next thread that fills my heart and head with worry if I let it.

The dark days will never be over, because “the suffering is endless” to say it with the words of Viktor Frankl, author of the fundamental work “Man’s search for meaning”.

Frankl himself a Auschwitz-survivor describes the psychological states of KZ-inmates, which build the fundation for his psychological discipline called logotherapy.

This book translates the wisdom of suffering in a way that is so touching, so precise and so vital – I think every person in the world should read it.

What’s so special about it?

Psychologist and KZ-survivor Frankl transcends misery into hope and retrieves life energy, the life force – ‘the mystical’ that is all around and within us….

‘From mysery to mystery’ – Frankl uncovers the truth of life hidden in a disastrous part of history that we prefer not to think of.

The example of Frankl might be extreme, but the wisdom to be found in this book is applicable to all of our lives:

The earlier we accept that suffering is a part of our lives the more lightness we will find.

What most of us close our eyes from: Our pain is here to teach us something. (I wrote about pain so many times on this blog.)

There is an energy stored in suffering. And that energy wants to be transformed into acts of courage, hope and strong belief in life.

And that is roughly what Frankl describes as the motors of survival, even under devastating circumstances like enduring a concentration camp.

Nothing will ever be solved completely.
There is always some hidden grief. Some deep sadness or collective trauma that is stored in our cells, tissue or memory.

What we can do is: Meet ourselves and the ones around us with compassion.

This is how we befriend darkness and find purpose.