Personal Growth Experiment

by Uli on Transformation Inventory

Thoughts on Navigating Ego Death, “The Path” and Spiritual Awakening

Okay. It’s time for some stream of consciousness – from the current of my experience.

This came through after conversing with many colleagues and friends (old and new ones) over these past couple of weeks… It’s been wild!

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Let’s talk about ego death and spiritual awakening:

How about coming back from spiritual awakening?

What do I mean by that?

Spiritual awakening can lift us. It can crack us open. It can move us. And sometimes it moves us far from reality.

Many of you will argue: There is not one reality!

I agree and I don’t agree – depending on the perspective I choose to look from.

What is reality in the context I’m talking about?

In my perception reality is rooted in earth and thus rooted in every being on the planet, because we are made of this earth.

If we neglect our offspring, I would argue: We are not walking the path! Why? Because the path is within our substance. The path is within.

Do I practice escapism or am I going deeper?

This has been a question I kept pondering for a long long time (probably for too long by now).

Am I running away? Am I avoiding life?

Or am I digging deeper?

At this point in time I know: Expansion doesn’t happen one-directional! I’m not the one to judge if I’m on track by evaluating the distance I have passed or the goals I have reached or not reached.

Awakening happens multi-directional.

So, there is no spiritual awakening in one area of my life and a “staying asleep” in the other.

That’s what makes it so hard at times and that what makes it seem like “being stuck”.

There might be aspects that are not conscious, yes, but surely all my being is shook by awakening.

It happens everywhere, literally in every cell – and surely in every situation I’m facing.

Every situation is an invitation, a tool or a lesson on this journey of awakening…

There is no “right” awakening. There is only awakening.

I bypass the moment in time, when I tell myself: “I just have to find my tribe now.”; “If I’d just do the work I love…”; “If I only had this partner…”; “If I only had the answer….”; “I just have to live my purpose” – and then I’m going to be fine…

No. That’s not how it works.

To use the words of author David Whyte: “How do you know you are on the path?” The answer is: “When there is no path!”

This is how you know: The path disappears!

As long as there is a sense of a path, the path is an illusion.

It sounds complicated but it is dead-simple: If there is no path, the path is everywhere.

And it’s meeting our ego with RESISTANCE.

As long as we are avoiding the resistance, we will not expand.

How about loving ourselves in that resistance?
How about observing the resistance?
What is there?! Is there really something there or are we making it up?

Going with the flow is amazing but how about making a difference in this world? How about walking hand in hand with the resistance on this planet?

A lot is being said about spiritual awakening.
A lot is being said about rainbows and unicorns.

Not enough is being said about, what can be considered as the shadow side of spiritual awakening. The dark side. The pain of transfiguration.

We can transcend and transmute but we can’t choose “the fun road”.

The work begins where comfort ends.

I don’t say there will never be comfort again, but actually, this is what I do think. There is no such thing as comfort.

It is uncomfortable to watch the deterioration of human kind while being attached to our own identity.

Nevertheless: We can’t fake ourselves into detachment!

I’m not sure if I’m getting this clear here. But I do my very best, because I am facing it first hand within my internal struggle to meet everyone as equals.

To witness all as part of the all and not as a crooked interpretation of my identity. The story of victim-mentality can only be transmuted by surrenderance.

We got to love it.

We are guided even when we are not guided.

It sounds paradoxical: We got to whole-heartedly accept it, be with it and then we will be able to rewire and rewrite the story of humanity.

Do we get anything in return? Hell no!
Do we win the lottery? NO!
Do we get rich? I don’t think that’s the matter.

Waking up is hard. It’s the hardest thing we can experience on this earth and it’s also the most rewarding thing.

The loss of identity does not go hand in hand with ‘cultural success’. Our idea of success has nothing to do with awakening. And that’s the difficult part. We might wake up and all of a sudden we have to find a way to speak to our co-workers, our clients or our boss…

It can be challenging!

The question that arose for me: How can I meet my fellow human beings with respect? How can I embrace the human experience?

The answer is by meeting my own self in my resistance.

“This is the perfect moment to love yourself.”

A valued friend shared her practice with me. The practice of loving myself at every moment.

In guilt, shame and anger. Even in emptiness there is love. There is no loveless emotion and where there is love there is acceptance.

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory, Writing Experiment

Decoding Enlightenment

I don’t want to make it easier for you, actually I want to make it harder.

There is no easy path, no walk in the park that leads to enlightenment.

Yes, some of us are born enlightened. That’s a different story.

But, as you have found the way here, I assume you are none of the second group. You are a seeker. You are passionately, wildly, silently screaming for answers. Answers you can never find, because you don’t get the clues you are expecting to get.

I tell you why this is: You don’t see the wood for all the trees!

Literally, there is so much advice out there.

Abundance seems to be just around the corner. And that is the biggest lie of our times.

Abundance is nowhere outside of yourself and for sure it is not around any corner.

Abundance is within you.

It is right there beneath your self-doubt. The path is right there – the next step, beyond your self-sabotage. Beyond your striving, your ambition, there is an abundance of resources.

Trust me. Or should I say: Trust you?

Can you feel it? This tingling sensation in your chest. This subtle vibration that’s keeping you alive? This is your path to abundance and thus your path towards enlightenment – the liberation you are so desperately seeking is right there.

So, what am I aiming for with “Decoding Enlightenment”? What is this about?

I guess it’s kind of a reminder of what I am here for.

I consider myself as a bridge builder, a translator of wisdom. A spokesperson for the broadly misunderstood, the spiritual misfits, the divine fools. I am not sure if I deliver, but whole-heartedly, I can say: I am working tirelessly on getting it ‘right’.

I am developing an understanding for the all, because I believe firmly that this is the only way to spread all-embracing compassion – the type of compassion our world needs right now!

So, without comprehending the scope of this post (maybe it is marginal): This seems to be the mission I’m showing up for: I am decoding enlightenment with you.

 
by Uli on Rough Diamonds

Blame or Claim

Do you blame or do you claim? Do you choose freedom or do you lose your power over indecision? Do you try to fit into the standards of your surrounding or do you choose your own liberation over the patterns of the past?

Do you choose the freedom of your senses? The power of your intuition? Your intuitive knowing that always finds the way…

I came to terms with the fact that I am the one in charge.

I can’t have it all. Everything in life has its price. It’s just a matter of what I’m willing to pay. Do I pay with my freedom or with my insanity? Do I earn my liberation by choosing my free will at all costs? 

No, neither do I select my thoughts nor do I choose my upbringing. But I am the one who responds. And this is how I change my life.

Yes, some things might not happen – and some things never will. Life is not what happens in my wildest dreams. Because life is not what happens in my dreams in the first place.

Life is what happens when I choose to be myself now and in every moment. Life happens when I allow myself to listen and when I forget, for a moment, where I’m coming from and what I have been told.

That’s when I invent myself anew: When I forget the story that has been told.

When I claim instead of blame…. This is when I open up to possibility. – And this is when no one else gets harmed.

 
by Uli on Micro Habit Challenge, Transformation Inventory

My Inner Critic Lives in The Future

My inner critic lives in the future.

I can’t see him here.

Recently I’ve finished my inner critic micro habit challenge and I still owe you (and me) a conclusion.

How can I continue the conversation with my critic in a constructive way? This was kind of the question that arose towards the end of the challenge a week ago.

The short answer: There is no such thing like a ‘constructive conversation’ with my inner critic, because the critical voice is not productive by any means.

What has happened since then?

Honestly, this past week has been a crazy ride. Now that I’m typing I want to use the time to sum up what’s happening, because I witness that this week has been big for a lot of us.

To me it feels like a huge energy wave is rolling over us all – business closures, new beginnings, re-inventions, death and rebirth. This seems to be the pattern for a lot of us right now – if we are aware of it or not.

I’m sure, whoever is reading this, agrees: We live in wild times right now.

So, apparently I had started the inner critic challenge at a crucial point in my personal and professional development. I can witness a huge shift in consciousness within myself and others – and this seems to reflect in the material world.

More details about that will be revealed over time and most likely, in one way or another be shared on this blog.

All of a sudden – I’d say exhilarating – possibilities come floating (that’s the word that comes up – again) into my life.

Again, I’m learning that things do fall into place if I let them. I have worked freakin’ hard over these past couple of months – that’s partly what made me start the challenge, because I realized that my inner critic is not really, mmmh, let’s say… productive?!

And yes… Now I know: My inner critic is not here to be productive. He is here to warn me – and, to be honest, that’s an euphemism!

Actually I can’t really find any use of the inner critic apart from criticizing ‘unfoundedly’.

As I mentioned in my previous post: The critical voice doesn’t live in the present moment.

If I want to be the best version of myself, I better be present now. That’s where the magic happens.

So, what could be a takeaway from this challenge?

Raising awareness for the internal voices has helped me to see my own potential and my own value much clearer.

My critic doesn’t appear to me like someone to have constructive conversations with. It’s more like an invisible twin, a voice that immediately mutes as soon as I center myself.

Also: The critic does not really leave room for play. That’s something I identified as part of my mission on this earth. To play, spread lightness and eliminate pain.

So, all I can do is to cultivate more awareness and a nurturing environment for my ‘productive’ self, which is the spark of energy that lives in my physical body.

 
by Uli on Micro Habit Challenge, Transformation Inventory

Can I Turn Towards my Inner Critic With Compassion?

Okay, the first 10 days of the challenge are already over and I have to say: again this investigation exceeded my expectations. And, again, it led to profound insights into my mind. 

I could reveal some fundamental misconceptions that consume my energy to an unhealthy extent! Indeed, my inner critic plays a crucial role in my productivity, but not the role I assigned to him.

What I got wrong all this time was my assumption that my inner critic is working in my favor. The idea that he (in my perception it’s a male voice, ha! another hint) has my highest interests in mind. 

I obviously fell for another productivity trap. There is definitely a lot to debunk here… So, what are my major insights for now?

  1. The critic is only in my head. 
  2. The critic does want something, but not necessarily what I want.
  3. My inner critic refrains from constructive collaboration. 


Let’s dive a little deeper on these points. The first thing that I revealed is that the critic is solely a construct of my mind. As soon as I move my attention into my physical body the critic is gone. I have tried to chase him down, but there was no trace in my limbs or my internal organs. This little shift in attention already disempowered the inner critic to an invaluable extent.

Secondly: The inner critic definitely does not have my highest interests in mind. That clarifies: my mind definitely does not work in my favor either, which is not necessarily news for me. I would go a step further: Initially I wanted to use this challenge to boost my productivity. Remember, I wanted to act! But what I found out was that I don’t have most of the desires my inner critic is assuming. A lot of times there is nothing to do – which gives me more time to relax. This, again, reinvigorates my nervous system and enables me to act more self-empowered.

Now to the third point: Generally I consider myself as someone who is able to take criticism. Yes, because I already criticize myself to a level that no one else can meet. t’s really difficult to find something I haven’t already told myself… But what the inner critic is holding me back from is having a constructive conversation with myself. 

So, my whole predicament became much clearer. The question now is not “Can I mute my inner critic?” but “Can I meet my inner critic with compassion?”. 

These ten days already gave me another level of self-awareness. New seeds of compassion have been planted. In a couple of days I will give another update – and maybe some sort of conclusion how to proceed with the conversation.

 
by Uli on Micro Habit Challenge, Transformation Inventory

Can I Mute my Inner Critic?

Who saw that coming?

I didn’t. (POV: Shouldn’t growthbuddy be a grown-up by now?)

I proudly announce: My next (5th?) Micro Habit Challenge, a two-week growth experiment.

It’s been a while, yes.

And it’s been a while since I really dove deep here on this blog. It doesn’t mean that I did not dive deep in my real life. Actually it’s the opposite.

This year has been transformative beyond measure. And I have the feeling that it will finish that way too… There has been not a single day without breakthroughs this year.

  • I found love inside of myself. The love for the guru. (I will speak about that in further posts.)
  • I have found my truth amidst emotional turmoil and chaos – again and again – and yet:
  • I have lost myself to an extent that I can’t recall from my previous iterations of change. (Spoiler: It’s the good kind of lost.)
  • I have found my tribe, a new tribe I did not see coming in this lifetime (which excites me and increases my anxiousness at times, because now I have no excuses anymore to hide myself in the closet.).
  • Last but not least: I have received a blessing from His Holiness the Dalai Lama in Dharamsala, India, which literally brought me to my knees and allowed me to enter the most humbling healing journey of my life.

Something has shifted this year. In a big way. And this big shift caused my self sabotage system to flare. The void has gotten very dark, the unknown inexhaustibly vast. My ego simply can’t handle it anymore, haha.

Wow, the conditionings are way more powerful than I have imagined!! I really bought into the narrative… “Just one more cource, one more training and then I’m there.” A yoga teacher training (to be really precise, my second yoga teacher training), the successful finishing of my professional coaching training end of last year, the starting of tibetan buddhism studies, the fulfillment of my dream to go back to my precious India this year… All of it – did not beat my limiting beliefs. It did not mute – or find any fruitful connection my inner critic (at least not that I’m aware of). It did not change the narrative that I’m still holding on to so tightly (and lovingly?).

Actually my self doubts are bigger than ever before. Haha, you wonder why?

Because now is the time to put things into action. I literally can’t contain all the knowledge anymore. It’s spilling out of my ears. (Not sure if this is an English term. It’s a German one.). I have to put ‘my work’ into practice, get myself “out there” in order to move on – while (while and not despite) I am in constant transformation… I don’t think I will ever be ready. So. The time is now! NOW I’m ready!

This is probably the biggest realization of this year so far: There is no end to it. I will keep transforming. We all do. And that’s absolutely astonishing and, in my opinion, it’s actually really good news: We are changing!! Hurrayy!

“You are more than ready. You have the knowledge. You have the experience. You have what it takes to show up,” a friend and coaching buddy recently pointed out too me.

Only one thing is still blocking me: And this is my own mind that keeps spiraling down those rabbit holes again and again and again.

You know what?

I am done with it.

I have done hard shit. I have moved out of really dense toxic patterns. I will move beyond this invisible wall too – whatever it takes.

So, what am I going to do?

For the next two weeks I will MUTE the inner critic. How am I going to do that? I’m not really sure to be honest. Haha.

These are some baby steps I’m planning to take from today on for the next two weeks:

  • If I feel an urge to “act”, to create or to say something and I don’t do it, because I think “I’m not ready” (or anything along those lines), I will do it anyway.
  • If I crawl into my shell, because a wave of worthlessness is rolling over me, I will let it move on.
  • I will take the time to meditate for 30 minutes and journal in the evenings. By the end of next week I will post my update…
  • Oooh: And a hard one: I’m going to ask for help, if I happen to beat myself up for not knowing something really crucial. Because this is what the inner critic loves to do: To blame me for my lack of knowledge in certain topics, whereas the more useful step would be to ask for help…

Why I am doing this?

Honestly, those Micro Habit Challenges have been the most transformational, motivating and in this way “productive” for me… They really raise my awareness on those sweet-spots. I vividly remember my writing challenge from 2018 (or was it 2019? Will check that later.) and my “non-judgement-challenge”.

I identified the inner voice and now I’m going to change it. Easy. Let’s go.

 
by Uli on Rough Diamonds

What if?

What if things go right?
What if everything does fall into place?
What if you do live up to your values?
What if you live happily ever after?
What if?
What if you discover joy and happiness within yourself?
What if there is a tomorrow that is slightly better than today?
What if you grow beyond what you thought is possible?
What if you free yourself from doubt?
What if?
What if you transform your fear into action?
What if nothing was lost anyways?
What if you liberate your decisions from the outcome?
What if you live your life to the fullest?

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory

Who Are You Without Your Mistakes?

Who are you without your mistakes? This is a question I kept pondering for a while now – probably for years.

Are you you? Without mistakes?

Are you fulfilling your “dharma” – without mistakes?

“In ‘doing’, there are always mistakes.”

This is what Swami Rakesh, my philosophy teacher at the 200 hours yoga teacher training I have just finished told me in a private consultation.

This implies: If we are not making any mistakes, are we doing?

I repeat, because it is so fundamental: Who are you without your mistakes?

You might walk, but do you walk in your own shoes?
You might do, but do you do you?

Or are you avoiding the thing you want to do, because you are avoiding mistakes?

Another perspective:

Do you learn without mistakes?

Of course not!

Perfection is not the path. It can’t be…. Why? Because we are here to learn.

The path is paved with mistakes. Detours. Ups and downs.

This is how we see.

This is how we dis-cover the things that are being hidden from us.

How will you be able to see the whole picture if you only look at what you want to see?

How do you feel fully if you avoid feeling the whole spectrum?

How do you find comfort in this life if you only walk on the bright side?

This is not it!

I know you know it!

Darkness is an aspect of the light. Without dark, there is no light.

This is more fundamental to understand than I could ever imagine… And yet, I’m scratching the surface…..

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory

Let it be Hard

“I want it to be easy!” – I’m punching my pillow.

“Let it be hard!” – An internal voice releases my vigor.

Recently I’ve made some tough decisions. And for a moment I fell for the panic, the doubt and the despair…

Until I remembered:

In order to live an exceptional life we get to make exceptional decisions. Decisions no one has ever made before, because no one has ever walked in our shoes…

Decisions that move our life path away from the “crowd”.

It is tough. It brings up fears of rejection, of loss or of poverty.

But you know what?

It’s part of the game!

This is what unleashes the wild self within!

This is what strengthens our resolve!

I want to encourage you:

DO the step you are so scared of but you kept pondering for years.

MOVE where destiny is calling you.

YOU know it. No one else.

No fortune teller can tell you what to do.

Only you are in charge.

And this is not a top-to-bottom advice of some sort.

I encourage myself too with a livin’ prayer. 😉

It’s easy to talk about it.

It is freakin’ hard to WALK it!!

The path no one has walked before.

Your path.

It’s easy to learn a lot of things but actually putting them into action: this is the hard part! Yes. It is hard and it is beautiful.

It’s, without a doubt, the most satisfying thing in the world.